impRAWvise 

This blog post is very different from the other blog posts that I have here on my blog posts page (so, if this is the first one that you read, please please do also read another one as well, this is not the usual flower power vibe, so I strongly encourage you to also check out the so to speak “good vibes” posts, here I am just trying to be real because, you know raw is not just food, but also an attitude), but, even thought I am not sure yet, I think that I am going to post it anyway, but just here, no social media for this one. But the struggle is real, and I know that I am for sure not the only one who is going through this, simply because, the medical system can be very confusing at times (been through 2-3 very confusing times of this sort until now, when they try to tell you what you have, but they still don’t know exactly what you have, and that’s even before we get to the conversation of if / when / how for we fix it, it being the medical issue) therefore, the conscious decision that I make today is to post this anyway, even if it shows vulnerability and other difficult and triggering emotions, I am trying to do my best to encourage open and honest conversations on health care topics. Not only when it comes to mental health, which is very important and still has a lot of stigma attached to it, but also related to physical health and most importantly the connection and interconnection between the two.

As I am literally sitting on the kitchen table, at home, waiting for my next medical appointment of the day, I look at my watch and I see that I’ve already done 9034 steps for the day and its only 12:34. Look, I have days when I barely get over 4000 steps (so that you understand the context), and even though I am super passionate about health and wellness (in general, and have been so for many years now), its not so easy to keep up with my so called health goals lately (lately, meaning this year – 2025, like actually the entire year was pretty difficult to do something for myself and get through with it), so yeah 9000 in the first lets say half of the day its something. I am supposed to take a lab test today, but there is a mismatch apparently between the labs and the screening that I am supposed to make. And it needs to happen today. Not tomorrow. Not the day after tomorrow but today. Because my mind is already spiralling, as I have already been waiting exactly one and a half month – that’s 45 days (since today its number day, just kidding, but not kidding) to get the courage to take this test and now its already noon and its not happening. This, my friend, is a very triggering experience. I like to think, that this kind of situation it’s not like that just for someone who has anxiety triggering, but it can also be stressful for other people as well. I say this to myself to try to calm myself down, but of course, it’s not working. Because when I get the stress mode activated its fight or flight pretty much continuously on, until the thing that triggered me its done, in this case getting the screening done.

Last night I was so stressed out about this, that I couldn’t really fall asleep, and all kinds of weird things started to pass through my mind, you know the cocktail of doubts and thoughts that you have when you try to distract yourself but its not working so well? Well, something like that. A little bit of judgement here and there, a bit a struggle, my mind was like “hmmmm, how about we make a list of things to worry about, why not” its, just anxiety, anxiety and more anticipatory anxiety. Then I thought about him, the guy that I really really really (did I mentioned really? just kidding) like, and I was asking myself very concerned, “but why? why doesn’t he like me???” of course you get no release, emotionally or any other way from going through that spiral, but I don’t know why, it did its magic, and I finally did fall asleep in the end, by asking myself “why doesn’t he like me, he has any possible reason to like me, also I am not perfect but I am doing my best, that is for starters something, at least he could like about me”. Its weird I know how things do work out sometimes, but it was a good thing, that by focusing on lets say “him”, I did manage to distract myself from this medical investigation that I have been too afraid of to face for (as I already mentioned) one month and a half, but now I am finally ready, today not tomorrow, yes I know I am very determined and I do want to make it happen. Im talking about the medical investigation here of course, not about him liking me, that’s a whole different story. (wink wink)

This is going to turn itself into a “what I do in a day” kind of post, but as I am heading to the next medical last minute appointment, because, remember I mentioned earlier I had to switch labs and medical providers and I am really confident that it will indeed happen today, I still have high hopes. So, yes, let’s see how it goes. Its also most probably going to be a long post, but well, that’s also how it works when it comes to medical investigations, sometimes they do take a lot of time and there is also a lot of going back and forth, and more importantly, medical tests, lab tests, screening and all kinds of medical investigations are great and they are a blessing to our modern day world. I honestly absolutely adore taking all kinds of health checks and understanding both my body and my mind better so that I can do better, I could actually just take tests all day. But I also have a perfectionistic tendency and the anxiety thing, and those two go through the roof when I get a lets call it “not so good” or problematic lab result, and sometimes things get even worse, when I do not have a clear feedback from the medical professionals about what can / should/ could be done. And that is what today’s post is all about. About, once more, a very predominant theme in my life recently, navigating times of change, uncertainty and navigating the unknown.

It’s 14:46 now and I have 13446 steps for the day, I know I know, more numbers. Why am I mentioning those numbers? Because numbers calm me down, numbers ground me and numbers are reliable. Sure, they can still be bent back and forth, but generally speaking numbers and values, as in numbers speaking, are reliable. So it’s finally done. The lab tests have been taken, sent to the lab, and I am finally free for the day. Now I just need 2 days off to recover from the mental struggle. Look, the tests that I had to take are not unusual. I am simply talking about screenings that are some normally done on a yearly basis and some every 3-5 years in order for women to know and be assured that they are in good health, or if anything comes up in the meantime, its also good to screen as earlier detection generally leads to better results in time and interventions that are supposed to be more successful. Therefore, I have done those tests before, but now, it was different and more stressful as I had to not only repeat some of them, as I previously got “not ok” results, but also further investigate with more tests and medical interventions that I still have to prepare myself for, for the future. So yes, it’s done for today, I can finally relax. But, overall it’s not over yet. So, we will see how it goes. Maybe the results will be good, or at least better this time, I do not know yet, will find out in about 8-10 days at the most. So until then I just have to keep my mind preoccupied so that I do not freak out. Simply because, for now, there is no reason to actually freak out about.

I wonder why is this blog post so different then the other ones, I mean I usually especially for the recipe posts, use a very flower power attitude and it does, 100 % represent my joy, excitement and wonder and awe about this amazing lifestyle. But at the same time, this is not entirely me, I also have other not so joyful parts, lets not call them dark, but I do have struggles like we all do. And I do not like to fake things, even though I do sometimes, as we all do in order to avoid getting further into the conversation: “oh, im fine” its somehow the equivalent of “don’t really wanna talk about it” and sometimes its the thing to do, but some other times, I noticed, what I really mean to say is “let me take some time and space for myself and I ll get back to you” which is the actual acknowledgement of where we are really at and what are our real needs and wants. It’s perfectly fine to say NO to things and it’s perfectly fine to direct your attention and energy to where it is most needed, where you most need it to be.

Today I got myself a book, just because I like to celebrate these kinds of medical milestones (meaning undergoing through a certain investigation or lab test or procedure that is very triggering and mentally loading for me) by getting myself a book that I really want, something that is super close to my soul and that I have already expected to read for a while, but I was just waiting for the perfect time. Therefore, today I got myself a new amazing book. I have chosen fiction this time and I just can’t wait to read it, yes I know its an escape from reality and a coping mechanism at the same time, but it a good and functional one. So, win win, my friends, win, win, and its not only a conscious choice but also a choice for which I’ve set an intention previously and I have just crafted perfectly, so its just a blessing in disguise basically. I love it. Its a different kind of writing that I’ve done today and I am actually amazed by how it all unfolded naturally, I don’t see myself as a storyteller, I love writing for my blog but this is a different format, so I feel like today, I have just allowed myself to be more raw with my own writings, by including these “slice of life” moments, tapping into the emotional set up and navigating through writing and blogging difficult emotions and allowing things to just unfold naturally. So, if you have read this until here, I hope you enjoyed this experience and most of all, what I personally hope the most is that it inspires you to be more raw, to yourself, more true to yourself and then of course, to the world surrounding you at all times. Thank you!