impRAWvise 

I’ve been thinking about writing this post for a while now, but it wasn’t until today, that I found the courage to actually do it. What happened in the meantime that determined me to find the right way, my own way, of course, to put this story into words and just allow it to be? Well, since we are talking about dating today, it includes a man, of course, and some references to the wonderful things that I have learned about myself, as well as my own needs and desires, through my interactions with him and our very interesting and sometimes even profound, deep conversations. For the sake of not calling him “this guy”, “that guy” we’ll just call him Peter, just because I love this name. His real name is not Peter, of course, but it makes it all easier and more personal to write about it this way. The silver lining of today’s post is not about perfection, but instead it is all about getting to know ourselves better and understand our own needs and desires, through the interactions with another human being, no matter where the journey might take us, or not take us, as a matter of fact, not all interactions end up in something sustainable for the long run, but when we do our best to stay grounded, transparent, and we are very clear from the start on topics like our own boundaries, as well as non-negociables, we are setting ourselves up to succed. And even if, and especially if it does not work out, we know that we have done our best in order to stay true to our own needs and values and that is going to keep us thriving in the long run.

First things first, I would like to thank Peter for all the amazing things that I’ve learned from him, we have been in touch for a year, at first making small talk from time to time, checking in and stuff like that, and with time, and as our lives lets say and priorities got more into a synced pattern, we also detoured from the friendly vibes into a more flirty vibes direction, which was absolutely great as things progressed naturally and organically. While our “perfect date” never actually happened, this whole interaction with him really opened myself up to new perspectives and to better understanding what I really want and need when it comes to finding the right partner for me. We were also very honest in our conversations, some of them mostly friendly vibes (as I already mentioned, in the beggining), other including some flirty vibes as well, as a natural progression of things, and as a result of timing, alignment and sync, it was just, I would say a very realistic approach to the world of dating, that we mostly stayed grounded, acknowledging that a lot of elements are needed in order to move on with someone to a next stage in dating and that we all have our own flaws and non-negociables when it comes to finding the right partner, or any other matter that we might be looking forward to introducing into our lives.

There are a few things that I do not like when it comes to dating, like for example when someone asks me out to walk my dogs, dude, I’m like walking my dogs everyday, three times a day, be more creative please, and also, we may not be at that stage yet, when you do get to actually meet the dogs (that’s a stage, yes, for me personally), so lets just take it all slow, one day at a time. Another thing is also the amount of space that I need, both physically as well as emotionally, and that is most of the times a turn off for people, especially the ones who do not have a regular practice of spending time just by themselves, that me time, is a big thing for me, and usually if the other person is not used to this concept it will not work out on the long run, simply because, and I’ll oversimplify here a bit but you certainly get it, they basically want to do everything together, or a variation on that theme, and my own vision on this matter is that yes, we do have shared activities, as a part of developing healthy relationship, but we also need independent activities, in order to continue to learn and grow not only as a couple, but also as individuals, that is my own view, and it is a part of my non-negociables so to speak, the good thing here is that this kind of compatibility is pretty easy to spot early on when interacting with someone, but here might still be, sometimes, misleads when it comes to the true way in which people actually think and act on day to day basis, so sometimes it does become a matter of “time shall tell”, if we are willing to continue to invest in that interaction, of course.

Well, Peter, was excellent at reading the signs, maintaining the right distance, giving me the perfect amount of personal space, in between conversations and interactions and just reading the vibes, in general, sometimes to the point of ambivalence, but even then, we would always have open conversations and clarify things and expectations. Sometimes it would be difficult to discuss a sensitive subject, as it is normal for it to feel, but we would eventually manage even those conversations with ease and grace. Peter is an avid runner, so very disciplined and committed to his practice as well as a very creative person, perfect balance between the two, so if you see the word “run” repeatedly appearing in this post, its probably my subconscious keeping up with the story. Peter was also supposed to “teach” me how to run, I know, I know it’s so cute, almost adorable. And that’s the first hint to how the perfect date started to take shape in my mind. He was supposed to come here, he lives in another city, and we would go out for a run. Well, maybe “run” is a bit much to say, but I don’t know, I found it so reconforting, when we first shaped how it would look like when we actually meet, this is the first thing that came up, I proposed this activity and it just clicked. It would also be something outdoorsy, in a forest like setting, spring vibes and in a warm and nice day. Amazing!. The movement part would definitely help with the emotional regulation, and the outdoorsy environment would just be way more calming and appropriate for myself personally (as I do have anxiety) and just make it all more smooth.

Things did not work out with Peter, eventually we parted ways, but that’s ok. What is the most important thing here is not if we did or did not end up together, but instead, for me it was mostly about learning to be patient, respect each others timing, as well as be honest with each other when it comes to our own expectations and desires. I’ve also learned, once again, that in fact, especially in the early stages of dating, talking and sharing things about each other, its pretty easy to get triggered or trigger the other person, especially if we do not work with and on ourselves on a regular basis. We both got triggered at certain times, due to, of course, the reactivation (as we learn in therapy) of unprocessed events, wounds from our individual pasts, and sometimes we managed to discuss and clear the air, but then, at some point he got very triggered by my need for space (I mean, its a pattern, I see it all the time and it is a non negotiable for me, respect my personal space, or we are done) so, we ended our conversations. But, what I appreciate the most about this interaction was the fact that it was, in fact, for me easy to accept that it ended and that it is not leading us anywhere, although at some point it was very promising, still life has no guarantees, and that is a fact, so by acknowledging and taking responsibility for my own needs, actions and desires, I turned what might seem like a rejection in a different context, into a valuable insight, that supports the ideea that, if our priorities and values do not align then it is better to part ways earlier in the journey than wait until its too late or too loaded to let go and it only makes things more difficult.

There is an interesting exercise that I’ve learned in therapy and that I have also applied in order to integrate this experience with Peter, and that is about making sense of the story of an event, even if and especially if the event perhaps ended unexpectedly or in a way that we might not be wanting it to. But, sometimes, in life, it is ok to depart from conversations, people and / or interactions that no longer serving us, or are no longer aligned with our long term goals and values. Therefore, this is not about trying to find something nice in the middle of an event that is, especially at the moment of its happening, to some degree hurtful, or at least makes us feel uncomfortable, but instead about asking ourselves what have I learned from this experience? How was this unique experience contributing to my own personal growth and the answer here is simple, this all has its own unique learnings, for exemple, it was really helpful for me to learn to be patient in this case, to comunicate as clearly as possible my own needs and desires, and to learn to listen to this other persons point of view as well, especially when we have different points of view and it might not be so easy, as well as a matter of things that are, for me personally, a pattern, at this point, like yes, sometimes people do not understand or do not align with my need for personal space, and that is ok, we can then decide, consciously and gracefully if it is the case to make adjustments or if perhaps its maybe better to just part ways, especially if we are experiencing a major difference in the ways in which we see / want things to unfold.

Learning to let go of what could have been if it would have been can be challenging but, as Peter used to say, and sorry Peter for perhaps not expressing it exactly in your words, but this is my own understanding of this truth: “at this point we are just a potential of something, we do not know exactly how it would, if it would evolve, but I like it the way it is right now, and it makes me feel good”. (Yes, Peter, I know you will read this and with your beautiful rationalising and sometimes a bit over analysing mind, and I mean it in a good way of course, you know I appreciate that about you, keep in mind, this saying is a mix of things you’ve said, so just take it as it is.) Sometimes, we just have to let it be. Let it be over, let it be done, let it be changed, let it be working out in the best possible way for the greater good. Therefore, thank you, Peter, for helping me get more clarity on what I really need in my life right now and being more patient, especially with myself, in order to make it actually happen. I am very grateful for this experience and all the amazing things that I’ve learned or relearned about myself along the way. I’ve added two pictures to this post, one of a lovely quote from Gabby Bernstein, which I think, resumes wonderfully this experience for me, and the second, of a landscape which I envision as lets say the look of the perfect date, which will, of course one day take place and I am looking forward to it. I will conclude today with a reference from a saying in yoga, but adapt it to today’s content: may we both (all) be happy, and free, and meet the right people, at the right time and in the right context in order to have thriving experiences and enjoy our lives on a day to day basis.