impRAWvise 

I would like to start todays post ( part of this months series called “The December Experiment” which, I have to say, I simply love and adore so far, and we are just like in the beginning of this so far, but it’s going absolutely great in terms of personal creativity, and so on and so forth), by making a little disclaimer. This is, of course, a very biased and personal view point on the world of dating, relationships and co-dependency struggles, and this is not supposed to substitute professional advice, it is just my humble opinion on the matter, and my humble contribution to other women who, might resonate and perhaps feel like they needed to hear this, in order to feel that they are not alone in this sometimes ambivalent, ambiguous, uncertain, but also, very beautiful world of romantic and interpersonal relationships. There is a lot of enthusiasm, good things happening, excitement and so on and so forth, but there are, also, the things situated on the other side of this, like miscommunication, ambivalence, ghosting, rejection, sometimes abuse, be it emotional or otherwise and so on. Its not a perfect world out there and we are indeed wired for connection, but maybe its also about putting ourselves in order first, before we seek out for something out there or for “someone to solve all of our problems”, because I don’t like saying this to you, but no, there is no such thing, as a magic pill or a problem solver “out there”, we are in charge of our amazing lives and no matter where we are, we are doing our best to be better and to live better lives and that will show its magic with time and patience.

So, there you go, we can start now. Phew. I took something of my chest but I am now ready to dive deep. I ll start by saying that I reconnected with my therapist today and we had a wonderful sessions. When therapy feels like home, its a great feeling, its not supposed to feel like home all of the time, as we, you know, need to stretch ourselves and get out of our confort zones and so on and so forth, but after this years ups and downs and feelings of always on the run, chasing something, solving something and so on and so forth, it felt so good to reconnect with my old therapist (we had taken a pause for a while as I switched therapeutic models, but now I returned to her practice) and it felt like home. We didn’t talk much about relationships during our session today, we discussed other, more pressing, topics, but it gave me somehow, the courage, to finally write this post, which honestly has been waiting for a while, floating around inside my head, to just be expressed, put on paper. The therapy session was pretty intense, but it was also very cozy at the same time, its a very interesting mix, like a sparkle of excitement and a bundle of joy, but at the same time, also, a cozy blanket and a warm tea. Simply fascinating and amazing, I love therapy and I do believe that it is a wonderful and super useful tool to help us navigate with ease and grace the struggles that we might encounter on a day to day basis, and that even when it does so, there will still be some times when the tools, that worked for one situation, might not work for another one, but, in therapy we also learn to stay open and explore further options, seek tools in order to find what works perfectly for a specific encounter and if that is not magic, I do not know what it is.

I do believe, and it took me a while to get here, that we are and we all know that, we are conditioned by society, attachment figures that are relevant in our lives and so on and so forth to adhere to a specific model, be it kinds, family, marriage, or anything in between those terms. But, not everyone wants or should want this, and it is definitely not working for everyone who even wants this and actually tries it as well. Its a lottery, somehow, out there, but more than that, so many times, we loose ourselves, our true selves by blending together in order to form a relationship and that is just simply how frustration and dissatisfaction starts to built up in time. Codependency is also another issue, mostly present within women, which can have its roots into the feminine so called traits, which are being tough to women since a very young age, most importantly, people pleasing and so on and so forth, or sometimes even further than that the ideas that derive by blending ones identity with the marital status in order to chide social validation or professional validation, and so on and so forth. This can lead to many disruptive or even abusive patterns, from which is then, sometimes hard to leave, because you do not have a model to follow, so, by trying to fit in, you end up doing more damage to yourself in the long run, simply because some relationships dynamics, will never work, no matter how much effort or therapy you try to put into fixing things, it takes two to dance, and its just not something that should be fixable all of the time. And sometimes its just ok, to let go and move on, even if it hurts and even If at the moment you think you cannot do better, things will eventually get better with time and proper healing.

The dating world is also a brutal one out there. I honestly do not know how it feels to feel like you have met the one (probably that’s why I was never fond of kids and marriage, or viceversa, or perhaps both) and I’ve come to peace with that, in time, but its strange too. I usually do feel a connection, of course, and I feel that my feelings and involvement is growing with time, but I also have lots of attachment issues, as we all do, and most of the times, I end up feeling like I am suffocating inside the relationship, like I have to change or shift something, like I cannot meet the other persons expectations and so on and so forth. And I have worked a lot on this topics in therapy and in a therapeutic setting, I have my issues, previous relationships partners had their issues, nobody is perfect but that is not the case, the thing here, is that in a genuine and authentic relationship yes, you still have to show up and do the work, but you have a solid base to start from with your partner and so on and so forth, have common goals and visions as well as life values (I told you before that I do no like compromises, and the simple reason, is, that, for some situations there is no compromise to speak of, like major differences in life values, if one wants kids and the other doesn’t that is a recipe for constant pain and frustration) we also do need our partners to be a safe space, and in that safe space to be accepted and celebrate as our true imperfect selves, coming from both sides of course. So reciprocity, also a good thing here.

I feel like this is a very imperfect post, but I am going to take a leap of faith and write it anyway. It’s actually, as they usually say in therapy about big feelings and emotions, it’s perfectly normal to feel like the ground is shaking when you encounter something new and try it for the first time. I think this applies very much to the dating world as well, it’s a very ambivalent world and a very conditioned world. Lots of confusing and weird messages like: “Don’t sit to much on the sidelines, go out there, meet someone, go have fun, but don’t wast your time or each other s time if its not working”. And so on and so forth. Lots of messages that have penetrated our sensible nervous systems and attached themselves and their value to our day to day lives, so that sometimes we might be finding ourselves simply doing something without actually having a real desire or need for it. We just go with the herd, so to speak. I think, its probably because I love my own independence so much and because I love having my own space as a home for myself, I think that we need to hold that physical as well as mental space as well for ourselves in order to make a conscious and assumed choice about what to do next. Take a break, take a step back, take a deep breath and simply ask yourself: what do I really want and need genuinely at this particular stage / point in time and space in my life? and then allow it – the answer to unfold, no judgements, just simple presence for yourself to be with yourself. Give yourself the gift of being present, and amazing things and realisations will unfold.

I decided for myself that I need time for myself now, I am taking a conscious break from the dating world, there are still so many other wonderful ways out there to interact connect and socialise with like minded people, but for me personally this is what I really need the most now, so I have decided now, to give myself this gift, of enjoying my time for myself, without pursuing to capture someone else’s attention in a romantic way, and I think its what I need the most so I am actually proud of doing this for myself. Therapy helps a lot to put the pieces of our lives back together in their place, and it definitely felt like I got to align myself back again with my current priorities and just refocus for a while on my own health and overall well-being. A break from something or someone is sometimes a wonderful way to just turn back to ourselves and give our attention to the things that actually bring real value and real benefits into our lives on a day to day basis. I used to be head over hills over a guy, who lets just say did not reciprocate my feelings, nor my interest in him, and it was a bit painful (I know it happens all of the time, and to so many of us) but, then as frustration built up, I just realised that maybe its not about a replacement for something or about trying to convince someone that something is worth it. Maybe, this guy, this person, by his so called lets say “rejection” was pointing me back to, actually, taking my attention towards myself (which is what I need the most now) so, I do not really know if he will ever read this, but I will do this anyway, I would personally like to thank him, like a lot, for not going through with it, for the things that did not happen between us, simply because this is what ultimately determined me to realise what I now need the most, and act accordingly, and for that, I am truly and fully deeply grateful. And thank you, the reader of this post, for joining me today for this pretty long post about dating and related stuff. Have a wonderful day!