impRAWvise 

I just came back from a double pilates session and Oh my God, it feels so so good! To just be present in your own body, to connect with your breath, to feel your body truly and fully. I was almost on the line of cancelling my pilates sessions for the day, because, I don’t know, I was just feeling low, emotionally overwhelmed, exhausted somehow, but then I thought about last week, also on Thursday when I felt somehow sluggish, but I knew that pilates would make me feel better, so today I decided to go either way, and it did work out, I feel so much better now. Maya, my older dog, she’s is so cute and adorable as she placed her head on my laptop and partially on my lap, trying to sleep as I am trying to type this post here, its just such a lovely feeling, just sitting next to her, cuddling with her makes me feel at home. And Lola, my second dog, of course, she is also sitting next to me as I am writing now, they are my, so to speak non-traditional, family and I absolutely love them so much. Its just such a wonderful feeling to be loved and accepted exactly as you are, in a non-judgemental way, and animals do have this amazing ability to love us and show up for us in an unconditional way, as we also do for them. Sure, there are a lot of things that need to be in place in order to care for a pet, but its just such a wonderful blessing to just be able to embrace them as a part of your day to day life.

Back to today’s topic, well, I have recently failed terribly at dating, so today, during the pilates classes, I actually had some a-ha moments that put those things in perspective. Those are, of course sensitive topics, but I have consciously decided to share them , as I know that I am not the only one who is going through this, and dating can sometimes be really challenging and even bring out the worst of us, when instead it was supposed to be a pleasing and joyful experience, there are moments in life, when the learning lessons just feel so damn painful, scary and even hurt us in the long run. Kidding, but not kidding, I am most probably going to to just take a break from dating, I am thinking maybe even until the end of the year, might be a good idea to have some time to focus on myself and my own healing process and healing journey. When someone brings the worst in you out to the surface, you keep triggering each other on a regular basis, and the dynamic is strongly dysfunctional, like one is too much, and the other one is not enough, then it is probably a sign that it is not just not the right fit, but also, maybe, its a sign that you still have to take some time off dating, to work on yourself first, in order to be a good partner that shows up and actually commits to the relationship and have a solid sense of your own self, self-esteem, self-care and self-love.

Working on yourself its a good start, and sometimes we do get to heal in a partnership, but when things are just too much and too out of sync, then it is probably best to simply part ways, before it is too late and it all blows up in your face, or in your partners face, simply because resentment can built up pretty quickly in time and then, it only leads to a lack of trust in each other and a general sense of dissatisfaction for the long run. What I have noticed and learned from my dating experience from the last 1 and half year, but especially from the dating from this year is that I was not only attracting / attracted to guys with all kinds of red flags like: substance abuse, multiple substance abuse, aggressive behaviour, obsessions and compulsions, and a spectrum from insecure / codependency to emotionally unavailable characters, its just a bad mix. At the same time, as I have a tendency to manifest a fluctuating anxious – avoidant attachment, depending on interpersonal dynamics, I have been a red flag myself: being avoidant and distant with the anxiously attached people, and anxious and too much with the avoidant ones. I have also manifested anxiety and panic attacks in various circumstances, as I am diagnosed with anxiety, I also experienced dramatic tendencies and overreaction tendencies when things just got too much to handle (overstimulation is a common factor that leads to either panic attacks / anxiety on one hand, or the dramatic / overreaction tendencies on the other hand, I have learned those things in a therapeutic setting and they did indeed turn out to be super useful in understanding myself and my reactions, feelings and emotions better).

Therefore, as I was stretching and doing the exercises and tapping back into my body and my inner truth, I just realised that maybe I have been idealising some circumstances, like for example, the last guy I dated, I just thought he was so perfect (like not perfect perfect, of course I knew he has flaws, and stuff like that), I mean perfect for me (which I do not normally do, I am usually just being either distant or more careful with the initial assumptions, but not so head in the clouds), and that just made it all so much difficult when I realised that, as a matter of fact, that perfection was all made up in my head. He was definitely not the right partner for me just as I was definitely not the right partner for him, it was just an illusion, it sounded well in theory, oh he is an animal lover, he has dogs, I have dogs, he is a runner therefore he loves sport and nature, I do pilates and yoga and I also love nature, but those are, as it turned out, pretty superficial things, and the truth is that no matter how fit or good-looking someone is, it is never ever going to compensate for a bad dynamic or just compatibility issues. Also, what I noticed as I got very, extremely triggered with this guy, is also that even if we would have had, lets say a better communication, things were doomed for the long run, as we would just trigger each other so badly that it couldn’t possible end well. I mean, yes I understand, we all come with past experiences and an emotional baggage and sometimes people come together to help each other heal from the past, but this can only happen when you can actually feel safe and trust the other person in the long run, not when you are constantly in survival mode.

On an energetically level, you can feel the dynamic too. When someone is draining you, when you come back home and you feel more confused than joyful, not just because its the beginning and you don’t know how it will look in the future if there is going to be a future, but you feel it in your gut, that it is just wrong, then, you just have to listen and let it go. What happens when we hold on too much to the thing that is not right for us, like I did in this situation, even if we were just seeing each other for only a month, on an emotional level, it was a very exhausting experience for me, the uncertainty, the emotional unavailability, the anxiety, the panicking, my own mood swings and going constantly inside my head, between is he the right fit for me, no, he is not the right fit for me and then all over again, pending between being too much, and being absent, trying to punish him with my silence, which rarely lasted, as I cannot do this, sending the longest text messages that I have ever sent, I cannot believe that I was able to wrote those messages, just to explain myself. It doesn’t make sense. But, now, as I gently get back into my true self, my body, my consciousness, detach myself from him and from the situation, I can start to see things more clearly, and not only that but, with ease and grace, take responsibility for my own actions and reactions and ways in which I hurt him, and forgive myself for that, as I will, in time, forgive him as well, and the entire context. Forgiveness is not something that we do for the other person or because its cool or trendy, forgiveness, I think is a process, that is good for us, but we just have to respect and honour its own timeline.

Time heals and things do fall into place eventually. I know that a lot of women out there are going through similar experiences when it comes to dating and men in general, or just patterns in difficult partnerships and challenging dynamics, and many of us think, men and women, it just time to give up on dating and accept life as it is. And yes, that is of course an option and a very good and valid one, when the time is right, but also, maybe, just maybe, when things don’t work out with another person, its just the Universe’s way of telling us we just need to spend a little bit more time with ourselves first, clarifying our own energy and intentions, clearing our energy channels, and being more secure (from an attachment standpoint) and more grounded in what we actually can offer in a partnership and then look out for someone else who can do the same for us. Maybe, just maybe, if we work on ourselves first a bit more, we can then have more joyful, peaceful, calm and grounded future dating experiences that we can actually embrace and celebrate, no matter how they all may unfold or for how long. When we get to be truly connected to ourselves and our truth, then we get to attract the right people and the right circumstances, and we can ourselves be and bring a positive contribution to their lives, as much as they will to ours, and that is simply a magic blessing to hope for.