impRAWvise 

Love can make us feel a lot of emotion at times, and it might be difficult for some of us to actually understand what is going on with ourselves, especially from an emotional as well as a biochemical and hormonal perspective. Sometimes things do go well for a while, or perhaps they seem to go well, simply because we are reproducing a comfortable, not comforting dynamic that we are used to since we were little, but then they somehow fall apart and we need to pick ourselves and get ourselves back together. The amount of time required to heal from any specific emotional or physical disruption is strongly related to the gravity, the intensity and the overall impact of the thing(s), situation(s) that got you out of balance in the first place, but, as human beings, there are life moments when it simply feels so good to be alive. Today, I just reminded myself of something super funny and super cute, I mean, it was extremely cute at the moment, I admit, about the last experience that I have had recently with dating, as I am pretty sure, I am not the only one going through this or who has gone through this. Sometimes we say things we do not mean, and some other times we indulge in dreaming about what a potential future could possibly look like, while we haven’t even engaged in the present unfolding yet, but still, we all have fears and past wounds and traumas from the relationships and experiences that we have been through, and if we do not work consistently and consciously on healing ourselves, we are most probably going to get through the same patterns, over and over again.

While this post is mainly about interesting, funny things about attachment and dating, I did use the word “love” in the tittle because it not only sounds catchier, but it also gives a bit of context to the whole picture. I mean, even if things do not work out in the long run, in the end, the pursuit was, in fact, in the name of love, therefore, for lack of a better word, lets just roll with it. I have noticed an interesting pattern with the last guy I dated, even though we only got this dating phase for about a month, a month and a half, we have actually known each other for more than a year. So, at first when we switched from friendly vibes to dating zone, it was so cute and adorable, that he actually acknowledged that on the emotional level he does not have such a good knowledge of expressing his emotions and so on and so forth but he would really like to give his best to make it work. Well, his best in this direction, did not last that long, but that is another story. What I now think was super funny is how accurate, dedicated and open he was to making medium term plans (medium term can be a very tricky and disillusioning space to be in, as it is pretty hard to estimate what you are actually capable of giving, seems like a postponing of the actual implication, leading to, for lack of a better word, wasting each others time by thinking that oh, that’s how it would look like, but not quite doing the little gestures of the present moment that actually build something resilient and suitable for the future) like ways in which we could live together, but not actually being able to answer a simple text message in the present, or attempt to short term activities of the initial phase of a relationship.

Isn’t it fascinating how we can project ourselves into a love bubble, things like living together and making things work and so on and so forth, but when it comes to simple things like being present, listening to each other and trying to get to know each other better, we are failing miserably? I mean, I don’t know if it was maybe the age difference, or any other matter, that was making him act this way, it’s not like we are not having good intentions, but, I do believe in this case, it’s just misplaced intention. Perhaps, instead of dreaming of what could it be a couple of months from now, we just try to stay present for each other in the here and now. Its so easy to get carried away, and even feed yourself from the illusions of what it could have been if it would have been, but as a matter of fact, if we never try, we never know.

But in order to know, we have to try, if there is compatibility and see how things are working, if they are working in the now, before we start planning anything for the future. Perhaps we try to be more in the here and now, witnessing the present moment as it unfolds, and taking it in, exactly as it is, without the need to edit it in a compulsive way. We can try and bend ourselves, I know I did, and I am for sure, not the only one, in order to try to fit into specific expectations, but if this bend doesn’t actually reflect our own truth, it simply won’t work in the long run, or even worse, it will generate frustration and build up lots of resentments. In the best case, we do get to process our coping mechanisms and perhaps see them as funny things, at some point along the way, and then make better choices in the future, in order to get out of the circle of suffering and pain through the repetition of the same behaviours that no longer serve us.

Another funny thing I witnessed in dating, was at a different time in my life, when the guy I was dating back then, and we were not living together, (seems like we have a theme today, living together, just kidding), tried to convince me to move in with him by facing me with a challenge: its him or Maya, my dog, whom I have just adopted at that time, if you read the initial post “Single Reflection Time”, then you know what happened, but, no judgement, while I still don’t understand how people can ask such a question, a while later, while trying to reconcile, he actually started to really like Maya, but you know, what is not meant to be, is not meant to be. We should really start to meet people where they are, instead of projecting an ideal self onto them. Because most of the times, people are really, truly and fully showing us openly by their gestures, acts, and words what they value most and what they don’t. So perhaps, yes, it’s funny now when I think back about those instances, but at that moment, it wasn’t, so maybe, just maybe we try to be a bit more honest, kind and deliberate with ourselves and what we really want in our lives instead of just trying to fit into society’s norms, or other peoples interpretations of us. In the end, it always feels better, to stay true to yourselves, take care of your own personal space and nurture and nourish yourself on a day to day basis. It’s not always easy or even what seems to be the answer, but with time and practice it does become more of a second nature thing, leading us to better outcomes with healing, love and grace.

Last thing that I wanted to share today, and that I do find quite funny now, but again at the moment it was painful and stressing is about a concept called “conscious uncoupling”. It’s a great concept and it sure serves to the best of its intentions, but probably the way we do put it into practice can be tricky. I mean, for me personally, as I was navigating leaving a long term relationship that no longer served to my best interest, I was finding myself trying to reproduce the perfect, peaceful break up, but just simply couldn’t wrap my head around it. As I was discussing this later with my therapist, at the moment, I then came to the realisation, that, as a matter of fact, sometimes things do get messy and that is ok, if it would have been so perfect, it wouldn’t end, right? Maybe. But what I now know and think, and what I have understood with time and with therapeutic support, is that, a break up is a normal part of a relationship that no longer works for both individuals, and some times in life are simply messy, we do our best to manage these situations and to take great care of ourselves on the long run, for better outcomes, but it is ok, even if things didn’t go as we imagined or intended initially and we have come to a point where we part ways. There are times, when it is really hard to accept change, as we have become so fascinated by the stories that we have build up in our heads, for our lives, but, with progress and perseverance, as well as with openness and kindness, we can and we do have the ability to shift and create a better, more meaningful life for ourselves. The key is to keep working with and on ourselves and understanding our own unique journey, and, in the end, as I like to say, it will all make sense eventually, sometimes, we just need to take a step back, reassess and get to see the whole picture. And perhaps have a little bit of faith in the unknown as well along the way.