impRAWvise 

Sometimes I just feel like I am slowly dying, metaphorically speaking of course, from the inside out. I just feel like I have lost any sense of purpose or meaning and that the actual environment that I am in right now is not really supporting me in a way that feels good and nurturing. Adding lots of changes and uncertainty to that mix and it just ends up feeling exhausting. It’s been 3 years since I have been medically diagnosed with anxiety and I have recurent episodes of panic attacks, depressing thoughts, a depresive mood and mood swings as well. The official diagnosis is still Unspecified Anxiety Disorder. Even though I did not receive the support that I was dreaming of or looking forward to when it comes to friends or family members, I just learned over the years to be more and more independent when it comes to my emotional safety and stability, find better coping mechanisms, understand myself and my actions and reactions better, especially when it comes to anxiety and panic attacks and just respect the differences when it comes to interactions with other people who may or may not understand what anxiety really stands for.

I am no longer ashamed of this being my reality, but instead I have simply and gradually learned to accept it and I am doing my best in order to be proud of myself for every little step that I do get to take in the right direction, as I have learned over the years to do better, and as a result feel better. Sometimes, most of the times, when anxiety comes, its just better to accept it, embrace it and stay curious, stay present in the moment, even though its really hard, and try to ask yourself consciously and mindfully, “what is it trying to show me at this moment in time and space?”, or perhaps “how can this serve me?”, “how can I stay present even in the midst of uncertainty / change?”. Asking such questions can be really helpful because in that instance when it is most probably for it to get fired up and create a lot of chaos in our lives, even anxiety (if we get to look at the greater picture) has a purpose of its own, and by embracing it we can be more kind and compassionate, not just towards our own selves, but also towards all living beings.

I am deeply grateful for the medical team that I have been working with in the past years, as well as for all the therapeutic support that I have received from professionals in the last 5 years and therapeutic interventions that I have come across in my life and have actually functioned for me over the years, yet still, the anxiety remains a constant, probably one of the few features that stand still in my life, especially for the last couple of years. It didn’t start during the last couple of years, but I did not know before, especially when I was very little that what was happening to me during those moments of pure panic and horror was a panic attack or a reaction of anxiety of some sort to something that was not so specific and at times even harder to identify. Sometimes it is still a debilitating experience, as the lack of control takes over ones sense of the present moment, the fear of losing ones mind, as well as the horrific pictures and states of being it brings to ones mind are not easy to manage. For some it may seem like one of those things that “its just happening in ones mind”, but the truth is that it has, most of times, a somatic correspondence as well, especially as a stress response.

The good thing here is that there are means of use that can help with managing it, for myself for exemple (at the moment of writing this I have been on and off meds in the last 3 years, but right now its still at its peak as an intensified stress response to changes experienced in the last couple of months) still the medication works, not every time, but most of the time and the tools and skills, as well as processes that I have learned in therapy or by simply understanding myself better over the years, do make the difference in being able to better handle it on a day to day basis. I think the only feature of anxiety and depression (as they usually coexist to some instance, one being more impactful than the other) that makes a huge difference and has a tremendous impact is when one loses a sense of purpose or just losing our connection to ourselves, the ability to be present and be yourself truly and fully. Simply because those are the moments when we get to feel truly lost and lacking a sense of connection, meaning or purpose, but as long as we find something to look forward to and a direction to go towards it is still manageable and at the end of the day a bit easier to find a reason to move forward, embrace change and uncertainty and simply enjoy our lives on a day to day basis.